The need to keep passion and sex alive in your marriage or relationship is serious business,
but it doesn’t hurt to laugh about it when we can. This article takes a humorous look at a problem all
maintaining passion in a long-term relationship. I hope you appreciate the silliness of this article.
You and your wife are settled in for the Mary Tyler Moore Show marathon with his and hers bags of microwave popcorn and caffeine-free diet Pepsi.
Before Mary even gets in her first, “Oh, Mr.
Grant!”, the Passion Police bust down your door and handcuff you both.
“You are hereby charged
with becoming passive about passion.”
Nearly insane with panic (you’re under arrest, after all),
you call out to your wife, “Honey, tell them it’s a big mistake.
They’ve got the wrong couple!” Your
wife makes a similar plea and pledges her undying love for you as evidence of her innocence.
The police captain shakes his head and smirks. “Tell it to the judge.
And just for the record, we
have evidence that you’ve both neglected this aspect of your relationship for quite a while.”
The next day the judge outlines the case against you.
“Mr. and Ms. Icewater, I’ve never seen so
many blatant signs of withered passion and romance.
Clearly you’ve turned a blind eye to this
important part of your relationship.
Here are the warning signs all of which you’ve consistently ignored of your passion neglect.”
TOP TEN WARNING SIGNS YOU’RE IN A PASSIONLESS MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP
1. Belching and knuckle-cracking are now acceptable forms of foreplay.
2. Overhearing a conversation about oral sex at the gym reminds you that your annual dental cleaning is overdue.
3. The Poodle you’ve been rubbing for the last twenty minutes turns out to be your husband’s
4. According to your wife, the highlight of love-making has become the popping sound your hip makes.
5. The last time your bed squeaked was when the kids used it as a trampoline.
6. Your husband is president of the Marilyn Monroe/Angelina Jolie/Tyra Banks fan clubs.
7. Your wife is president of the George Clooney/Brad Pitt/Johnny Depp fan clubs.
8. The “steamy” email you sent your wife contained the words: sweatpants, anti-fungal, ace bandage, bloating and fiber-rich.
9. You caught your husband eating your edible underwear…out of the box.
10. While giving your wife a Valentine’s Day massage, you replaced the exotic body oil with Pam cooking spray.
The judge turns to you and bellows, “Mr. and Mrs. Icewater, I’m ordering that your marriage be used as an example to others.
My hope is that other couples will take notice and start nurturing the passion in their relationship.
Just like any other aspect of relationships, romantic intimacy
takes work, consistent attention and time.”