For women in the beginning stages of a relationship – dating, moving in, or even engaged – there’s usually one hovering question in the air.
Friends and relatives may ask it.
It has many variations, but what it comes down to is this:
Is he the right guy for you…how do you know?
You might reply, “I love him. He just gets me.” or if you feel like keeping it private you might say, “It’s just a feeling; you know when you know.”
But how do you know?
Of course, love is hard to define and can easily get mixed up with lust, infatuation, or even friendship.
That’s probably why it shouldn’t be surprising that this question lingers.
You see, a healthy and happy relationship, in its simplest form, means that both people are getting what they need from the relationship.
It’s usually the foundation of that this-feels-right feeling that we can sense but can’t always communicate well.
But isn’t there a this-is-not-right feeling too?
Yes! And the uncertainty from that feeling might leave you questioning whether he’s “the one.”
In this article, we’ll look at 13 signs you’re not with the person you should marry.
Let’s get started!
1. You Wonder if There’s Someone Better Out There
You know those exciting new feelings of a fresh relationship?
It’s fun, the chemistry is there, and you’re all wrapped up in the honeymoon phase.
When that phase passes, you might start seeing signs that you didn’t notice before.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s a bad guy. It could just be that you’re heading in different life directions.
Like, he’s wanting to move for a career and you’re happy where you’re at.
Or, you’re both opposites – and not the kind that attracts.
Whatever the reason for it, you might find yourself asking, “Is this what I want? Is there someone better out there for me?”
Or, you picture yourself with someone else and dream about what that life would be like.
This is a sign that’s glaringly obvious – but it’s easy to overlook.
Research done at Texas A&M University found that people were more likely to break up with their partner if they felt as if they could find someone else just as good – or better – to be with.
When you’re with someone that’s right for you, you’ll just know.
The sign here is that when you’re with the right guy, all the other fish in the sea don’t seem as appealing as they did when you were single.
You’ll want to nurture the relationship you already have instead of falling for the ‘greener’ grass on the other side.
2. He Struggles With His Mental Health and Doesn’t Get Help
You can only play doctor, therapist, and parent for so long before you become emotionally drained.
If you’re naturally a caregiver, then you might start feeling responsible for his issues.
Except, you’re not.
Of course, you want him to get better, but part of getting better means seeking help.
You should provide emotional support where you can, but you can’t let it run your life.
These days, there is plenty of help available for people who suffer from mental illness (whether it’s anxiety, depression, or something else).
If you’ve tried multiple times (and even begged) for him to get help, and he’s still not taking that step – it’s time to make a decision.
Even worse – if your relationship has been falling apart and he still refuses to get help, then it might be time to move on.
Don’t let guilt hold you back from being happy.
Take care of yourself (after all, isn’t that what you’re asking him to do?)
3. No Matter How Much You Try, You Can’t Trust Him
Trust is one of the keys elements of any relationship—without it, the relationship lacks stability.
But before you go thinking it’s all him, you’ll want to make sure it’s not just jealous or insecure tendencies you have.
There IS a chance that it’s you, not him.
But if you’ve already caught him doing shady stuff in the past, it can leave you constantly questioning his motives.
Does it feel like some things don’t add up?
Do you wonder about the things he tells you or his whereabouts?
So many people have been through this.
And the people who left would tell you that they didn’t want to spend the rest of their life on the lookout.
I once heard someone say (after being cheated on), “It doesn’t matter if he’s still with her or not – the point is that I’m always going to think that he is, so I’m ready to move on.”
I think she had a point.
4. You’re Not Aligned
There are three common reasons someone might not feel aligned in their relationship:
- You’re ignoring one of your dealbreakers
- Your goals ultimately clash
- You’re trying to change him
We all have key qualities that we look for in a partner.
Aside from the foundation of a relationship (like trust and communication), there are other things you value too.
Don’t ignore your dealbreakers.
Why? Because when you do ignore them and fail to move on from the relationship, then you’ll do what you can to change him.
Sure, there’s always room for improvement, but you shouldn’t feel like you have to change the person you’re with.
It doesn’t work and it only wastes precious time – that you can’t get back once it’s gone.
5. He’s Flaky
You know that one person that never answers their phone?
That person that texts you, “I’ll be there in 10 minutes” and still shows up late?
Or that person that cancels plans because “something came up”?
Yeah, that person sucks. And who wants to be in a relationship with THAT person?
Here’s the thing – when you’re invested in someone, then you’ll do whatever you can to see them.
Even if that means for 30 minutes during your lunch break or a few minutes before work.
You’ll call them, text them, and do whatever you can to fit in time to talk to them.
People make time for things that matter to them.
They don’t just show up late or fail to show up at all.
If you’re with someone who constantly shows these signs of flakiness, then it could be a sign of a larger issue.
Sure, you could bring it to his attention and see if he changes.
But, if he promises to change the first and second time you bring it up (but doesn’t) then he definitely won’t change the third, fourth, or tenth time you ask him, either.
6. You Make Excuses for Him
He really WANTS to change.
He’s just going through a rough patch right now.
He’s been burned before, so that’s why he has trust issues.
But I know he cares about me.
Once you start making these kinds of excuses for his actions, it’s usually the beginning of the end.
Sometimes the excuses happen immediately, sometimes they’re after months of let-downs and disappointments.
But regardless of when they start happening, I’ve found it’s a sure sign that he’s not the right one for you.
I applaud you for trying to remain optimistic and make it last, but
it’s not worth holding on even a little longer if the relationship isn’t going to work.
So, if you’ve caught yourself making excuses, then it’s time to think of them as warning signs pointing you to the exit.
Sometimes you just have to face reality and trust that it’s better to move on.
Why continue down a path that doesn’t lead anywhere?
7. Whenever you have good news to share…
It might be a little thing, like a small win that happened at work, or a big project that you got finished.
If your first instinct is to “just not mention it” then ask yourself why.
We all have milestones in our lives that we want to share, and it’s important that we feel supported and uplifted.
So when you’re in a healthy and happy relationship, your first instinct is to tell him everything about your life.
You celebrate each other’s success.
But if he’s not the first or second person you call to share the news with, then it’s something to think about.
Are you afraid he would disapprove?
Is he a negative person?
Is he a bad listener?
Whatever the issue is, it can definitely lead to an unfulfilling relationship in the long-run.
8. He Brings Out Your Worst
Relationships aren’t all sunshine and roses all of the time. They take patience and dedication.
But, no amount of patience and dedication can fix a relationship between two people who just aren’t right for each other.
Relationships are supposed to bring out your best. You’re a team.
Unfortunately, many women stay in relationships that drag them down.
You look at yourself and don’t even recognize who you’ve become.
Your friends and family notice that you act differently.
People don’t want to be around you and him because it makes them uncomfortable.
This can easily happen when you get caught up in your feelings for someone, and it might not be something you recognize right away.
You can still love him even though he doesn’t bring out your best, so don’t let that cloud your judgment.
He might not even be a bad guy, he might just be bad for you.
9. There’s A lot of Family Drama
This may not be a red flag, but it’s at least an orange one.
There are usually two scenarios: either he doesn’t get along with his family or his family doesn’t get along with you.
If he doesn’t get along with his family because they have issues, then those issues will have impacted him growing up.
If he doesn’t get along with his family because of his issues, even worse.
And if his family dislikes you (even when they have no reason to), it can lead down a road of perpetual awkwardness and unhappiness.
The ideal would be healthy, sane family members, having fun together when they see each other, and who relate to each other as adults, not stuck in a grownup/child dynamic.
When you’re around his family, you will learn a lot about the future of your relationship if you stay with him.
10. He’s Not Committed
Have you danced around the issue of commitment with him?
Is he “just not ready for a relationship”?
Or does he want to “get it together” before you guys try to make it work?
The truth is, if he wants to commit, then he will.
If he doesn’t, then there’s nothing you can do to force him.
(Besides, why would you even want to force someone to be with you anyway?)
People commit because they want a future with you, and the thought of losing you is scary.
If he’s not committing, then it could be because he’s not afraid to lose you.
Sure, he may enjoy the time you spend together, but he enjoys keeping his options open more.
You shouldn’t have to question whether or not you’ll have a future with him.
11. He Tries to Make You Feel Bad About Yourself
And it’s usually because he feels bad about himself, but you’re not his punching bag and he should work through his own issues first.
No happy and mentally healthy person wastes time trying to tear someone else down.
Does he nitpick what you do?
Is he a negative voice when you’re together?
Does he embarrass you around your friends and family?
A good partner sees your success as their own success.
They try to help you improve your imperfections instead of fixating on them.
We’re already hard enough on ourselves. The LAST thing we need is for someone else to be hard on us.
12. He Doesn’t Invest in You
Between work, family, kids, and life – things tend to get a little busy.
But in a world where we’re constantly reachable by phone, text, or email, it’s important to discuss boundaries.
Can you both agree to unplug from those distractions?
It doesn’t mean he has to drop everything to be by your side every free minute, but you don’t want to feel like you’re fighting his phone for attention, either.
People can still get a lot of sh-t done and also prioritize their relationship.
After being with someone for a while, sometimes you just have to work at keeping the fire going.
And if you can’t talk and agree on times to ‘unplug’ and spend quality time together, then it could be a sign that you’re last on his list.
A relationship is a two-way street, and you shouldn’t be left feeling like you’re the only one who makes an effort.
13. You Just Feel it in Your Gut
If there’s something telling you that the relationship just feels off, then it’s your gut letting you know he’s not the right guy.
It might be a scary thing to admit, because you’ve already invested time and energy into making it work, and you really might care about him.
Every relationship has peaks and valleys – that’s life.
But if you find yourself regularly questioning if he’s right for you or not, then the answer is probably the latter.
Think about what you’re missing with the right person.
The more time you spend with someone who isn’t right for you, then the more time it takes away from your soulmate.
Trust your intuition, always.